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Post by ♠Rafiki♠ on Dec 29, 2006 6:39:08 GMT -5
Behold, the pride land's only news channel/thread is finnaly here! Come here if you want updates on stupid events, dumb accidents, and other misc. stupid newsas I'll be posting them periodically. This thread probably ain' the best idea, but w.t.h.... I'm your anchorman, Rafiki the mandrill, coming to you live from the baobab tree news center! I've not gotten a chance to look up anything, so I'll be recapping some things that have already happened. Everything here is 100% garenteed (to the best of my knowledge) authentic news coverage. In new york, a man was shot 15 times by police. Why? He was eating a pear, and they mistook it for a hand grenade.These have happened around here, proof of why fire is bad. Several people were burned to death when there mobile home burned down. Appearantly, a woman had fallen asleep on the couch, with a live cigarette in her hand. The ashes must have ignited the couch, because it began burning. The family had decided it would be best if they threw the couch out of the front door and let it burn in the yard. Alas, it got jammed in the doorway and all seven died when the place went up in flames. There were no survivors.This man had caught a rat, and decided to burn it to get rid of it. He lit it on fire and threw it in the trash can, only to have it jump out again, and run inside his home. It got lost (still burning) in the wall of his house, and as a result the entire house burned to the ground.This happened recently: Police and fire fighters had gotten a call today to rescue a man stuck in an unusual place. The man (Name withheld) had allegedly fallen asleep in a dumpster [of all the godless places in the world] and was picked up by a passing garbage truck. Crushed by over two tons of garbage, it's a miracle the crew heard him in time to call for help. Police teams and fire crews work furiously for seveal hours sifting through all the trash. The man was found, alive, and only suffered bruises, cuts, and a few broken bones. He is expected to make a full recovery. The only bad thing was several police uniforms stank so badly they had to be sealed in plastic trash bags and sent away for cleaning.Thank you, that concludes today's brodcast, here on TLK news. Rafiki the mandrill, sighning off.
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Post by King Kovu on Dec 29, 2006 7:24:01 GMT -5
ROFL
You have a viewer/reader for life LOL
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Post by Moka on Dec 29, 2006 11:41:05 GMT -5
"In new york, a man was shot 15 times by police. Why? He was eating a pear, and they mistook it for a hand grenade."
I heard that LOL. Also heard about the man and the rat heehheh
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Post by King Kovu on Dec 29, 2006 11:42:25 GMT -5
What i'd love to know is how the Hell do you miostake a pear for a grenade? LOL
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Post by Moka on Dec 29, 2006 11:55:33 GMT -5
LOL yeah how would you do that? Aren't most gernades black?
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Post by King Kovu on Dec 29, 2006 11:59:54 GMT -5
Yeah and also How the hell do you eat a grenade ROFL
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Post by ♠Rafiki♠ on Dec 29, 2006 15:14:10 GMT -5
They probably thought he was using his teeth to pull the pin like some people use to...
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knarrly
Pride Admin
TLKP Forum Founder"No Life" Club Member Lazy Lioness (Simba is mine!)
Self-proclaimed Queen of the Pride Lands
Posts: 7,708
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Post by knarrly on Dec 29, 2006 21:48:36 GMT -5
*giggling* I love this stuff!
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Post by ♠Rafiki♠ on Dec 30, 2006 1:56:16 GMT -5
Good morning, this is TLK news, and I'm your host, Rafiki the mandrill. Animal lovers, ever dream of having your own pet penguin? A fake american website (name withheld for the safety of our viewers) has fooled some people into thinking they were buying one of seven varieties of penguin, said to be farmed in New Zealand. An American woman (name withheld to protect what's left of her dignity) bought a large, portable swiming pool for the penguin, and had it installed in her home, ready to recieve the animal. She grew suspicious when the company had not replied to any of her messages, and the New Zealand S.A.F.E. (save animals from exploitation) campaign director downplayed fears that New Zealand's standing as a humane country is at risk.On our health segment, TLK news strongly urges our viewers to be healthy, and have regular mammograms, especialy our femal viewer. A new study suggest that women who do more house work have a reduced risk for breast cancer (no joke). Experts have long known regular exercise helps prevent breast cancer, yet it is still unclear exactly what types of house work help prevent B.C. the most. Dr. Lesley Walker of Cancer Research UK said: "We already know that women who keep a healthy weight are less likely to develop breast cancer. "This study suggests that being physically active may also help reduce the risk and that something as simple and cheap as doing the housework can help." He recommends men and women take regular exercise and maintain a healthy body weight to help prevent cancer. The research is published in the journal Cancer Epidemiology Biomarkers and Prevention.And finally, our final story takes place in california (as if this entire broad cast wasn' tnuts, it gets better). Witnesses say a man stood out front of a county courthouse on Thursday. He was appearantly protesting the city's changing the name of Winter and Spring breaks to Christmas and Easter breakes. How you ask? HE LIT HIMSELF AND A CHRISTMAS TREE ON FIRE. He wrapped his body in an American flag and a replica of the revolutionary flag (Don't ask) and doused himself in flammable liquids. He was holding a sign saying "Expletive religious freedom and the silent KHSD." They believe the last part is in reference to K*** High school district. People say he burned for about 30 seconds before a county court house worker and a deputy sheriff were able to extinguish him using blankets and a fire extinguisher.Thank you ladies and gentleman, that concludes this morning's broadcast. I'm your host, Rafiki the mandrill, urging you to stay sane and be normal, or chances are you'll end up in our coverage section at some point. ( )
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Post by King Kovu on Dec 30, 2006 5:08:31 GMT -5
ROFL
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Post by ♠Rafiki♠ on Dec 30, 2006 17:24:28 GMT -5
That californian guy is nuts....
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knarrly
Pride Admin
TLKP Forum Founder"No Life" Club Member Lazy Lioness (Simba is mine!)
Self-proclaimed Queen of the Pride Lands
Posts: 7,708
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Post by knarrly on Dec 30, 2006 20:50:44 GMT -5
*glares* I think the whole sham about women doing housework is a story made up by men! What is this? A ploy to keep us all "in our place"? *steps down off her soapbox* ummm, okay now, I'll be going back to my cave! *stomps off to cave and orders her male servant lion to start cleaning* hee hee
(I want a penguin, where's my penguin! *lol*)
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Post by ~>NalaTashi<~ on Dec 31, 2006 0:27:27 GMT -5
LMAO, You tell em girl! Totally sounds like a conspiracy to me
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knarrly
Pride Admin
TLKP Forum Founder"No Life" Club Member Lazy Lioness (Simba is mine!)
Self-proclaimed Queen of the Pride Lands
Posts: 7,708
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Post by knarrly on Dec 31, 2006 15:14:52 GMT -5
*innocent smile* About the cleaning or the penguin? *lol*
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Post by ♠Rafiki♠ on Jan 1, 2007 22:52:43 GMT -5
hmm... that last one didn't go over so well... this thread was not a good idea from the start... w.t.f. didn't i go with my first impulse? shoulda left it be....
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knarrly
Pride Admin
TLKP Forum Founder"No Life" Club Member Lazy Lioness (Simba is mine!)
Self-proclaimed Queen of the Pride Lands
Posts: 7,708
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Post by knarrly on Jan 2, 2007 7:34:44 GMT -5
*lol* No, please, continue on with the news!
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Post by ~>NalaTashi<~ on Jan 2, 2007 14:14:04 GMT -5
Indeed, I look forward to checking this thread each day , Don't Stop! And I believe you, I saw the story about the housework on the news myself last night (we were only kidding...)
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Post by ♠Rafiki♠ on Jan 2, 2007 20:12:42 GMT -5
Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'm your host, rafiki the mandrill and this is TLK news! For tonight's broadcast, we have a sight of a UFO, a "Gift" santa left for a N.C. girl, and a look back on the year 2006.
Our first story begins with tragic news, and a warning to parents:keep your children under a close watch.
Mubashar Ali, age 9, has acciedentally hung himself today. With the help of his older sister, he was renacting Saddam Hussien's execution. By tieing the rope around a ceiling fan, youg Ali had created a noose which he tied around his own neck, and despite attempts to free him, he was dead by the time he was freed. The local police force has ruled this an accidental death, and a case of parental negligence. Authorities say this was brought on by an intense barrage of footage, films, and pictures of Saddam Hussien surrounded in blck masked executioners. Spokesman and media have all ridiculed the graphic nature of the footage of Saddam's final moments.
Our next story is another warning to parents to be more cautious of buying things off the renowned auction site, "Ebay".
A young girl in China grove N.C. accidentally got a "Present" of the worst kind. Her mother had purchased a "Bratz" make up head for her daughter of of ebay and had recieved the item shortly before christmas day. She had said it looked fine as it still seemed factory wrapped, so she procceded to gift wrap it for her child. On christmas day, the girl awoke and had ripped the wrapping paper off, to find 3 lbs. of marijuana. Calling police, she was told drugs are moved frequently through sites such as ebay, and that the package was meant for someone else. Estimated worth of the stash: about $7,000.
And our final segment: A look back at the year 2006.
" IT WAS A YEAR in which Pluto stopped being a planet but Paris Hilton remained a star, the Crocodile Hunter was killed by a fish, and parents warned kids not to eat their spinach. It was 2006: snakes on a plane, Mel in a car, Britney on the brain. In a time when news of stupidity is spread further and faster than ever before thanks to the Internet, what else is there to do but give a special Borat high-five to the year nearly past and celebrate its lows? These news items are all true.
January
- Several women in Springfield, Mo., have to be treated for infections after agreeing to be tattooed by a man who said he was a door-to-door tattoo salesman. One describes his tattoo tool: "It was wrapped with black tape, had a pin underneath it, had fishing wire going through it. You could tell it was homemade."
- William Shatner sells his kidney stone for $25,000 to goldenpalace.com, the casino that buys and displays weird items. The money goes to Habitat for Humanity and pays for half a house.
February
- Rep. Bobby Franklin (R-Marietta) introduces a bill to name Georgia red clay the state's official dirt.
- A semiformal event at the Milwaukee Art Museum ends with patrons throwing up, passing out, fighting and climbing on sculptures. The private event, MartiniFest, offers unlimited martinis for $30 a person.
March
- Isaac Hayes, who once sang "Chocolate Salty Balls" on "South Park," quits the show over its "growing insensitivity"
toward personal spiritual beliefs." The show had been making fun of Scientology, and Hayes is a Scientologist. - Haldis Gundersen of Oslo turns on the water in his apartment and beer flows out. Meanwhile, in the Big Tower Bar downstairs, water comes out of the beer tap. Someone had accidentally hooked the beer hoses to the water pipes.
April
- Police raid a strip club in Federal Heights, Colo., charging two dancers with prostitution. The bouncer working the door says he didn't know what was going on inside, and he took the job for the health insurance. The bouncer is Dale Sparks, mayor of Federal Heights.
- Hardee's introduces the Philly Cheesesteak Thickburger, which contains 930 calories and 63 grams of fat. It falls short of the chain's Monster Thickburger, with 1,420 calories.
- Tiger Woods apologizes for using the word "spaz" in a press conference to describe his own poor putting.
May
- U.S. patent number 7037243: The cordless jump-rope, invented by Lester Clancy. It's just two handles, and you pretend the rope is there. This way, he says, you don't have to worry about tripping on the rope.
June
- A federal investigation finds that debit cards given to Hurricane Katrina survivors were used to purchase "Girls Gone Wild" videos, diamond jewelry and a $200 bottle of champagne at a Hooters in San Antonio. The report does not say if this was all one guy.
- The Salt Lake City Tribune reports that, according to Google, Utah leads the nation in Internet searches for Jesus, the second coming, quilting and baby names. Also No. 1 in Utah, according to the article: panties.
July
- Hey, Mel, let us call you a cab. No? You sure? OK, drive safe.
August
- John Mark Karr confesses to killing JonBenet Ramsey. Media yawns: "Yeah, what else ya got?"
September
- Spinach salad? No, thanks. I'm a health nut. I'll have the Philly Cheesesteak Thickburger instead.
- A Columbus, Ohio, Mitsubishi dealer unveils radio ads stating it is "launching a jihad on the automotive market." "Friday is fatwa Friday, with free rubber swords for the kiddies," the ads say.
- Clay Aiken named to the President's Committee for People With Intellectual Disabilities.
October
- Billionaire Steve Wynn accidentally sticks his elbow straight through a Picasso painting he owns titled "La Reve," valued at $139 million. He calls his wife and says, "You'll never believe what I just did."
- Leann and Rusty Real of Biloxi, Miss., name their son ESPN.
November
- A hardware store owner in Oberlin, Ohio, has let controversial local artists use his store window in the past but pulls the latest exhibit after complaints. The artist says he did not mean to offend anyone with his Nazi gingerbread men.
- Michael Richards supplies 50 Cent with the lyrics to his next hit hip-hop song.
- Rupert Murdoch's minions finally come up with a scheme so crass and exploitive that even Fox has to cancel it: O.J. Simpson's "If I Did It." John Mark Karr slaps forehead, wishes he'd thought of that.
December
- A homeowners association in Pagosa Springs, Colo., threatens a homeowner with $25-a-day fines until she takes down a Christmas wreath with a peace symbol. The association said some residents complained it was an anti-war statement, while others believe it is satanic. "
Thank you ladies and gentlemen, that has been today's broadcast. This is your host, rafiki the mandrill, urging you to be safe, healthy, and sane.
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knarrly
Pride Admin
TLKP Forum Founder"No Life" Club Member Lazy Lioness (Simba is mine!)
Self-proclaimed Queen of the Pride Lands
Posts: 7,708
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Post by knarrly on Jan 2, 2007 21:40:44 GMT -5
Bratz....drugs....who'da thought!
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Post by ♠Rafiki♠ on Jan 2, 2007 21:48:18 GMT -5
I never DID like those things... Big, bulgey eyes, tiny legs, UGH! They give me nightmare just looking at them!
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