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Post by mistdragon on Apr 25, 2007 11:52:50 GMT -5
Meaning? He was allowed to drink? o.o
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Post by sindragon on Apr 25, 2007 11:54:25 GMT -5
i just think want if he need to go to the loo
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Post by ♠Rafiki♠ on May 6, 2007 3:46:34 GMT -5
Greetings lions and lionesses, and welcome to another broadcast of TLKBN, which is your premiere sourced for retarded news and the occasional conversation opener! My goodness, I feel for this poor woman… The Brazilian Government has ordered that the Internet auction site Mercado Livre [Which is partially owned by ebay] remove an ad placed by a person going by the screen name of “Breno” and it was advertising the sale of his wife for about $50. The ad has since been removed, yet it is unclear to officials if the ad was simply meant as a joke. Mercado itself did not realize the ad was there, since it also has another million or so items listed as well. The government was forced to act, since there is a law preventing the sale of "human organs, people, blood, bones or skin.". Breno listed his wife as being 35 and “worth her weight in gold”.
What a novel solution to get Mr. Wellington back for not giving you that raise 37 years ago!
Anamosa, Iowa is busting out $6,000 to have all the locks in Anamosa State Penitentiary changed. The warden [Jerry Burden] found out that a former guard who’d retired in the 1970’s passed away, and that someone sold his set of keys to the prison. The person sold them over the Internet advertising they would open doors to the prison. "It certainly is technologically behind the times, but many of the old technologies still work remarkably well," says Burden, warden of the 135-year-old prison. He is not sure if any of the keys even work still, but was not willing to take the chance since several murderers are locked up there. The selling price? $12.
I don’t think any of the guys at the lodge will believe this… It’s a miracle it wasn’t eaten by a shark!
Cornish fishermen Chris Earl and Tony Allsopp were out checking lobster pots and fishing in their boat off the coast of England when they realized they’d hooked a big’un: A live deer, which must have fallen into the see. At first sight, it appeared to be a log. But, then they saw the antlers, "and big worried eyes," as well as its legs, which were still moving. “It's not the sort of creature you expect to see half a mile out." Earl said. They were able to get along side it, toss a line around, and haul it aboard by the antlers. "Luckily it wasn't the biggest of animals or we wouldn't have had a chance. It was about the size of a big dog. It was a good job the sea was flat calm. If there had been a swell we wouldn't have seen the deer," said Earl. The two found the amphibious deer near the small island of Gull rock, most likely heading along the Cornish coast. They had to sit on it, since there was no more space in the boat. After getting it land worthy again, they stuffed it in the back of their jeep, and released it further inland to be with it’s fellow deer. Animal experts say the deer must have fallen in the sea from nearby woods, as well as adding that deer are good swimmers.
I’d have died of embarrassment LONG before the Mrs. found me….
i.plime.com/images/library/21500/21848_y1Tf_90.jpg
South Africa has one of the worst crime rates in the entire world, so hearing of being abducted and/or jacked by the local gangs isn’t much of a big deal. The problem is the way they robbed this poor man. He was in his late 50’s, and the robbery was done much in the same as it always is: The victim is forced by his or her assailants to drive them to their own home, and are bound or killed while they are robbed. So, in broad daylight, he’s abducted and drives them to his house. When they get in, they don’t tie him up, but rather force him to strip down naked, and super glued him to the seat of an exercise bike, while they robbed him of money, valuables, and whiskey. First, they stripped him. Then, they super glued his bottom to the chair. After, they super glued his hands and feet to the pedals and handles. Finally, they glued his mouth shut. 3 hours later, his partner arrived, and help was finally called for. Paramedics had to use a mixture of chemicals as well as petroleum jelly to get the glue to crystallize, so they could pry the man’s skin from the bike. It is unsure if the rise in violence will affect South Africa’s hosting of the Fifa world cup in 2010.
And God said, “Let there be lights!!” [I’ma burn for that one…]
A Kentucky congregation returned to their cars on Sunday after a service to find bags of marijuana on their car windshields. Divine Intervention has definitely been ruled out by the cops, but they DID nab and charged Ronnie Turner, age 44 with 47 counts of drug trafficking. He says god told him to plant the Baggies on the windshields at Elkton Baptist Church in Todd County. Each bag packed a whole quarter of an ounce, which is worth about $20 bucks on the street, and is about enough to make 10 joints. Also left with each of the Baggies was a note saying 'Peace poles Native American right.' Police have no idea what the note means, and 47 bags have been found. Turner’s neighbor also said he’d been talking a lot about marijuana and god lately.
Looks like cats don’t always land feet first…
Tang Meirong, age 53, of Chongqing city is suing 200 people after a cat, who most likely fell from one of the rooms in a block of flats landed on her head, knocking her out. She is filing a lawsuit since none of the residents will claim responsibility for the accident. "I was walking on the footpath under the building, and suddenly a heavy object hit my head. I remember nothing afterwards," Meirong said. After regaining consciousness, she phoned cops. The manager of the building said it would be very difficult to track down the owner of the cat, when the police came a’knockin. So, Mrs. Meirong says she will sue each and every one of the 200 people whose flats overlook the path she was walking on. Tragically, the cat was killed by the fall.
Thank you Lions and lionesses, for viewing another successful showing of TLKBN!! This is your l33tmaster/host, Rafiki the mandrill, urging you to avoid sitting on fitness bikes in South Africa!! Thank you, and Goodnight.
Today’s Daily Fact: A government funded study shows that pigs can become alcoholics.
Today’s daily Quote: "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -George W. Bush
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knarrly
Pride Admin
TLKP Forum Founder"No Life" Club Member Lazy Lioness (Simba is mine!)
Self-proclaimed Queen of the Pride Lands
Posts: 7,708
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Post by knarrly on May 6, 2007 16:32:14 GMT -5
Hmm, I wonder if the prisoners get eBay access...... *lol* And, I'd also like to hold a memorial service for the cat. Seems no one cares about the poor kitty, only about the woman. Who cares! *lol* All she has is a big migraine, but the kitty died. The neighbors probably threw the cat on her on purpose if she's so "sue happy".
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Post by TeenSimba on May 6, 2007 16:57:10 GMT -5
Thats a really great news update lol.
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Post by sindragon on May 6, 2007 17:13:42 GMT -5
i wonder i can sell my brother on ebay
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knarrly
Pride Admin
TLKP Forum Founder"No Life" Club Member Lazy Lioness (Simba is mine!)
Self-proclaimed Queen of the Pride Lands
Posts: 7,708
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Post by knarrly on May 6, 2007 19:09:26 GMT -5
Nah, you can't sell people on eBay, only keys to the prison *lol*
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Post by mistdragon on May 13, 2007 0:26:55 GMT -5
i wonder i can sell my brother on ebay Lol dude, this has gotta be one of the most evil thing you ever said in your entire life LOL!
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Post by sindragon on May 13, 2007 3:30:44 GMT -5
i wonder i can sell my brother on ebay Lol dude, this has gotta be one of the most evil thing you ever said in your entire life LOL! i was in a bad mood with my brother when i post it but you havent got a brother like mine
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knarrly
Pride Admin
TLKP Forum Founder"No Life" Club Member Lazy Lioness (Simba is mine!)
Self-proclaimed Queen of the Pride Lands
Posts: 7,708
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Post by knarrly on May 15, 2007 13:46:12 GMT -5
When I was young, I thought my brother was evil. But, we both grew out of it. Now that we're adults, we're close.
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Post by sindragon on May 15, 2007 14:44:30 GMT -5
that could hapen but hm 18 and he 20
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knarrly
Pride Admin
TLKP Forum Founder"No Life" Club Member Lazy Lioness (Simba is mine!)
Self-proclaimed Queen of the Pride Lands
Posts: 7,708
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Post by knarrly on May 18, 2007 19:02:02 GMT -5
Give it time. You guys are adults, but still young. Wait until you're both of legal age to drink By then you'll be buds.
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Post by ~>NalaTashi<~ on May 23, 2007 1:53:47 GMT -5
Hmm, I wonder if the prisoners get eBay access...... *lol* And, I'd also like to hold a memorial service for the cat. Seems no one cares about the poor kitty, only about the woman. Who cares! *lol* All she has is a big migraine, but the kitty died. The neighbors probably threw the cat on her on purpose if she's so "sue happy". *lights a candle for the kitty* LOL, all these stories are wild. I keep picturing the old guy stuck like a roach. I love that last quote^^ by Bush. his igliteracy knows no bounds
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knarrly
Pride Admin
TLKP Forum Founder"No Life" Club Member Lazy Lioness (Simba is mine!)
Self-proclaimed Queen of the Pride Lands
Posts: 7,708
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Post by knarrly on May 29, 2007 14:35:26 GMT -5
I'm not sure how he can operate with so few brain cells! *lol*
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Post by ♠Rafiki♠ on May 30, 2007 2:04:32 GMT -5
Good evening Lions and Lionesses!! Welcome to another broadcast of TLKBN, your premier source for retarded news, at the click of a link!! I’m your host, Rafiki the mandrill!! Hmm… I will need these on my next trip to the land of cell phones, and radio active waste!! Behold ladies and gentlemen!! You gaze upon the Swiss made, heavy duty, Radiation proof boxer shorts!! Andreas Sallmann produces these undergarments at his factory, Amriswil. Sallmann said “If I am right and mobile phone radiation damages fertility then I won't have any customers left.” He will use these on his 6 sons as well, “to secure the future of the company.”It would suck to work for Mr. Wu…. A Chinese man by the name of Wu Gong has come up with the totally original [and psychotic?] way of attracting customers--- They get to attack the staff. Mr. Gong said that he got the idea from his time spent as a migrant worker, and the establishment’s main customer body is women who work in the entertainment and service industries. It employs 20 specially trained men, who suit up in protective gear, and dress up as the person that most angers the customer when asked. Passersby have been asked about their opinions on the matter, and the opinions are divided. “Pressure in today's society comes from just about anywhere, from family or from work, from your boss or your girlfriend. We get no place to vent anger,” said salesman Chen Liang. “The idea of beating someone decorated as your boss seems attractive.” Others, like Mr. Liu Yuanyuan, argue that violence is not the answer. “If people really feel angry, they should adjust their lifestyles or seek psychological treatment,”. Here too has Mr. Gong headed that argument off at the pass, by recruiting psychology students from local universities to help especially angered clients.Hmm…. A Machine gun wouldn’t be my first choice of prosthetic leg…. St. Joseph Hospital in Bellingham, Washington was placed on lockdown after a woman had called authorities saying that she’d seen a man carrying a gun walk in. The hospital was promptly placed on lockdown, and police did a floor-by-floor search of the entire building, looking for the crazed gunman. When none was found, they had the staff and patients evacuated. The woman who’d originally tipped of the cops about it said she saw the same man again. Naturally, he was stopped immediately. No weapon was found, but he was carrying a prosthetic leg, which the woman must have mistaken for the gun. “Everyone did everything right. Like we hoped, it turned out to be a good situation today.” Says Police Deputy Chief David Doll.This guy is the new Steve Irwin… Arthur Du Mosch [of Southern Israel] was sleeping with his family when he got the surprise of his life. A wild leopard jumped through the window, rousing the 49-year-old nature guide from his slumber. Apparently, it was chasing the family cat, which had jumped through their window trying to escape. Groggy, and clad in underwear and a T-shirt, Du Mosch did the incredible: Lunged at the wayward leopard, grabbed it by the neck, and pinned it to the ground for a whopping 20 minutes, the time it took other park officials to respond. “This kind of thing doesn’t happen every day,” Du Mosch said, plainly. “I don’t know why I did it. I wasn’t thinking, I just acted.” The leopards in Israel pose no threat to residents, as the ones normally seen near settlements are old, sick, and/or weak leopards who are otherwise too frail to hunt for food in the wild, and instead find sustenance by eating dogs and cats found near civilization. Raviv Shapira, head of the southern district of the Israel Nature and Parks Protection Authority, said that dozens of leopards have been seen around Du Mosch’s settlement, but this is the first time one has been recorded entering private property. Du Mosch is certain that had the weakened leopard that he face been in better health, he would not have been able to restrain it. Du Mosch suffered no reported injuries, although his 2 year old daughter who had been sleeping with them was a bit excited.Aaaaaannnd that about raps it up for this broadcast of TLKBN, your source for retarded news updates at the click of a forum link!! I’m your host, Rafiki the mandrill, urging you to stay safe, and don’t walk into Hospitals with a prosthetic leg in your hand. Today’s Wack Fact:Turtles can breath through their butts.Today’s Quote:“Try not! Do…. Or do not!”-Yoda Vital information for your everyday life:If you’re a girl, and your bra is on too tight, you’re uncomfortable. If you’re a boy, and your bra is on too tight, *I’M* uncomfortable!
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Post by TeenSimba on May 30, 2007 9:09:14 GMT -5
The leopard one was really insane.
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knarrly
Pride Admin
TLKP Forum Founder"No Life" Club Member Lazy Lioness (Simba is mine!)
Self-proclaimed Queen of the Pride Lands
Posts: 7,708
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Post by knarrly on May 31, 2007 21:28:27 GMT -5
I have a few comments! (Don't I always? *lol*)
1. How much are those boxers? 2. I have GOT to go visit Mr. Wu.....do you think that I can just get someone to dress up as my bank? 3. How many guys dressed in drag in the testing of that last theory? *lol* Anyone I know? *checking the Kovu's Runway threads*
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Post by ♠Rafiki♠ on Jul 30, 2007 8:08:28 GMT -5
Good morning lions and lionesses!! Announcing the latest TLKBN, which is coming to you with a whopping *10* stories after a brief period of hiatus. Our editor, Raf himself, would like to apologize to all our loyal followers, who, through copious amounts of praise and nachos, have managed to keep him sane, and on the road to more journalistic nonsense!! Yes, it’s me! Your [semi-preferred] host and Ace-reporter, Rafiki the mandrill, who is coming to you live from his baobab tree!!! “Thank you, me!! Greetings lions and lionesses, and again, as I said earlier, I am back and better than ever. If anyone could forgive me for being such a lazy S.o.B, then we’ll get this show on the road!! Aside from hearing me talk to myself like the raving lunatic I am, I would like to take this moment to announce that the research project on my highly controversial character, Tobias, has been suspended indefinitely. Unfortunately, due to the serious short-sightedness, and a lesson learned only through screwing things up all to heck, I will not be able to report my findings as I had originally hoped. To make up for this, and to try and salve the wounds of inconsistency, I have taken the special liberty of making this a triple feature, to make up for past TLKBN’s I have not been able to post.
I am still trying to move things around, and improve the quality of the TLKBN reports continuously. As such, I will be, and still am open to any suggestions you of the viewing crowd might have to offer. Any suggestions at all would be most helpful, and I will do my best to include anything you’ve got to offer, that is within reason. I’m only mandrill, people!! Now enough of my senseless ramble!! On with the news!!
Thanks again for not ditching us,
-The TLKBN news team. [News Anchor: Raf, Secretary: Raf, Editor: Raf, Field reporter: Raf, and our resident punching bag intern, Raf!! ]”Good LORD, I love the name squid. I want a pet squid. I might go catch one, and name it squidward. [this is a re-coverage story, incase anyone gives a hoot.] Pictured above is the Jumbo squid, AKA the Humboldt squid[Dosidicus gigas]. With the capacity to grow up to 7 feet in length, and weigh in at a whopping 110 lbs, they are pretty formidable creatures of the deep indeed! Unfortunately, this once rare breed of squid has made a thunderous return, and that has scientist worried. While the return of this squid once viewed as good, it now is seen as bad, since this squid’s main diet is that of the hark, anchovies, and other commercial fish. Since there are so many appearing off the coast of California, they are increasingly devouring more of hark, anchovy, and other fish than they can replace. This is bad news, since those populations of fish are the main prey of sharks, as well as being used for fish sticks in the food-market. It is unknown at the moment how this invasion of squid will be dealt with [they usually flee from humans], but something must be done soon, before they ruin the delicate ecosystem.Hmm… I’m not so sure I like cats anymore…. Meet Oscar! He’s the kitty pictured above. Nothing fancy about a cat, right? WRONG!! Oscar isn’t any normal cat, at least according to some specialists. Oscar has so far been able to predict correctly the deaths of 25 nursing home patients, with 4 hours of the actual death of that person. Oddly enough, he was adopted as a kitten by the hospital, and spent most of his early life being raised by the nursing staff in the dementia unit of the facility. No one is sure how Oscar is able to predict the coming of death so accurately, but families of deceased loved ones say they appreciate his service, since the nurses have called to notify families of people who have been predicted to die. They usually arrive in time to spend the final moments with the sickened loved one. When put out during that person’s final moments, Oscar will pace by the door, and meow annoyed. He has been so unbelievably accurate, he has already received a plaque and an essay in the New England Journal of medicine.Makes me wonder about my appendix surgery….. Thomas Ho is in serious trouble. As a resident/anesthesiologist of the one of the hospitals in Boston, he is expected to be a responsible adult, which is entrusted with the safety and lives of his patients. Imagine the horror when he fell asleep during an operation on a child Dec. 2006. As well as practicing medicine on a limited license that expired early in July of that year, he was proven to have inhaled some anesthetic during a lunch break. Having said he was in considerable mental stress at the time, he was taking several medications prior to his career threatening nap. Before he will be allowed to apply for a new license, he must prove that he is both drug-free for 15 continuous months, as well as submitting to mandatory chemical-dependency monitoring.Waiter!! You forgot my salt!! Believe it or not, you gaze upon one of the most uniquely constructed hotels of it’s kind: This one is made entirely out of bricks of salt. This one-of-a-kind tourist attraction sits on the white plains of the Salar de Uyuni, Bolivia. One of the largest regions of it’s kind on earth, the white plains are aptly named for being an extremely large, blindingly white salt desert. Even though it looks deader out there than a graveyard, and some of the only features on the land being mounds of salt, this odd place houses cacti, a rare species of hummingbird, and even a variety of flamingo that stop by to lay eggs every year. Until being it became an adventure-tourist hotspot, the only inhabitants of the cold region were salt miners, who are able to extract 25,000 tons of salt from the 10 billion tons available. That is a LOT of salt. I don’t know about him, but I’ve got a SENSITIVE nose… Eugene Pilouw is afflicted with Diabetes. As such, it has destroyed most of the nerves in his nose responsible for smell, which leaves him pretty much without 1 of the 5 senses. On July 12th, he noticed his wife had gone missing, and had not left any hint of where she’d gone. Figuring she had run away from home again after he’d realized he was missing an envelope containing $250, he figured she’d left him. Imagine his surprise when his daughter found her rotting corpse in a back storage room 3 days later. "I never smelled anything and I still don't smell anything," Said Pilouw. Having been landed with three cats that he could not take care of, he’d given them away. His daughter had gone to the storage room to find a cat carrier when she came across the body. "It wasn't a room that was visited on a regular basis," Said Pilouw, in reference to the storage room. Toxicology results are still being awaited, as the autopsy came back inconclusive.Well, he’s too big to flush so…. What would you do if you saw a moving pillowcase? A peace officer for an animal abuse prevention society was taking a stroll down a New York beach Saturday, when he came across a moving pillowcase. On it was written “Live Gator. Please find him a home.” After calling in for help to capture the 30-inch-long animal, they were able to capture it, and are currently looking for a preserve to put him in, as well as any information leading to the arrest of whoever dumped it in the first place.Hmmm…. Who could be so rich they give out free money randomly? Spooked residents of a Japanese apartment building in Tokyo turned in 1.81 million yen [$15,210 U.S.D] to the police after randomly receiving anonymous envelopes filled with money. They at first thought the bills were fake, but quickly turned it into the police when they realized it was all real cash. Oddly enough, this isn’t the first time this has happened. An elderly lady found another envelope with 1 million yen in her mailbox as well. Envelopes filled with money have been appearing in public bathrooms as well, yet police are unable to determine where it comes from, or who is leaving them. They all are found in white, nameless, featureless, envelopes, with notes telling people to do good deeds. Another unexplained event is that money was seen falling from the sky in front of a convenience store. No one even touched it, and authorities gathered it all. The same thing happened on an overpass, although several of the bills were picked up before authorities could respond.Up in the sky!! It’s a bird!! It’s a plane!! It’s a… 200 lb. Fish!? WTF?! The large fish pictured above is a sturgeon, a large freshwater fish that has been causing large problems for residents around flowing waterways in Orlando, Florida. For millions of years sturgeon have been randomly jumping out of the water, and scientists cannot explain why. They CAN tell you to be careful!! Under state protection, these mighty fish [while endangered, and cannot be caught for sport or food] are able to grow to lengths of 8 feet. With people out on the water, Human/Fish and Fish/Human collisions are rapidly growing. Due to the armor-like skin/scales of sturgeon, they easily lay open any unfortunate human being that happens to hit them. It is unknown why the collisions are on the rise, but they ARE known to be within a 40 mile radius. Where or when or why the next hit will occur, no one knows!!I don’t know WHAT this guy’s problem is…. Cheveon Alonzo Ford, age 21, was arrested Tuesday for making too many fake 911 calls. Charged with making 292 false emergency calls, police were able to nab him with the use of global positioning coordinates. The reason he said he made them was outrageous: He was out of minutes on his cell phone, and 911 was the only free call he could make. He is currently being held on a $50,000 bond.I think this guy might be the fastest texter in the world…. Leszek Wojcik has been fired from his job as a city bus driver in the town of Slupsk, Poland, after using his company cell phone to send a whopping 38,000 text messages. He was able to run up a 94,000 zloty ($34,000 U.S.D) bill, while trying to win a 100,000 zloty ($36,000 U.S.D) prize for an SMS contest. His company has most hurriedly fired him, after grossly neglecting his 15 zloty ($5 U.S.D) limit to text messages on it. Sending out 1,200 per day on average, it’s no wonder he was able to run up such a large tab at 2.40 zlotys ($0.86) per message.The golden arches get sued for stupider and stupider things everyday… Beijing China: Some whack job lawyer has reportedly sued McDonald’s corporation for a resounding 13 cents and an apology after being given his sales receipt that was printed in English, instead of Chinese. He claimed it "violates the consumers' right to know.". McDonald’s has not said anything about any court case, but has said that it has changed it’s menus and receipts from English to Chinese. That slimy old man! 73 year old Philip Kolinski and another man have been arrested after asking for metal donations for an “honor the veterans” metal sculpture, and then selling the donations for their own profit. After they were ratted out by the scrap yard, they were given a very suiting punishment: He and the other man must clean a veteran’s memorial with only a toothbrush and a bucket, and a placard that says “I stole from veterans.” He says he did not know what he was doing was illegal, and that he was only hauling the metal for the other man. He’s plead guilty to a misdemeanor charge of getting under $200 under false pretenses, and has been ordered to pay $9,000 in restitution, as well as $2,095 in fees and fines. “I just hauled it and took it to the dump yard,” Kolinski said. “I feel sorry for what I did.”Today’s Wack fact:It is a myth that dogs are color-blind.Today’s Quote:“Give a man a lit match, and he’ll be warm for a minute. Light a man on fire, and he’ll be warm the rest of his life.-Unknown Vital information for your everyday life:When you meet someone with 12 fingers, it is rude to say “GOOD LUCK FINDIN’ GLOVES, YA SIX-FINGERED FREAK!!”. Thank you lions and lionesses!! This has been another successful broadcast of TLKBN!! Your source for Retarded news updates at the click of a link!! I’m your host and ace-reporter, Rafiki the mandrill, hoping you will stay safe, sane, and out of future broadcasts!!
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knarrly
Pride Admin
TLKP Forum Founder"No Life" Club Member Lazy Lioness (Simba is mine!)
Self-proclaimed Queen of the Pride Lands
Posts: 7,708
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Post by knarrly on Jul 30, 2007 19:01:20 GMT -5
Wonder how many fish sticks that thing would make? *lol*
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Post by TeenSimba on Jul 31, 2007 13:49:29 GMT -5
The text messaging one is insane!
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