Post by ♠Rafiki♠ on Dec 27, 2007 15:47:18 GMT -5
Good evening Lions and Lionesses, and welcome to another TLKBN, your source of whack-job, insane news updates. Once more, we’re brought to you by the support of our staff, both Teensimba and Kiarasmate, and me Rafiki. With your continued support, we thrive and remain your premier source for the madness that goes unnoticed until now.
Teensimba says:Forget the glasses, do they sell microscopes!?
Science has reached a new low in the “Too much time on my hands” department, according to the Israeli branch of Nano-technological studies’ latest breakthrough. The masterminds [?] at the Technion institute in Haifa were able to inscribe all 300,000 words of the entire Hebrew text of the Jewish Bible onto a piece of silicon a bit smaller than a grain of sand!! This particular text was chosen to highlight the potential of storing massive amounts of information in absurdly small amounts of space. "It took us about an hour to etch the 300,000 words of the Bible onto a tiny silicon surface," Ohad Zohar said. By shooting tiny particles called “Gallium Ions” at an object, they would rebound and cause an etch effect. "When a particle beam is directed toward a point on the surface, the gold atoms bounce off and expose the silicon layer underneath just like a hammer and chisel," Said Zohar. Hopefully in the future, the study of nanotechnology will be used to revolutionize the storage of data the world over.
Teensimba Says:The Chuck wars!!
The baddest man in the world is out on the warpath again, which is enough to scare even the most levelheaded lion or lioness out there. Luckily, the rest of the planet may be spared his wrath, which is all legally focused on Ian Spector, two of his websites, and the publisher Penguin books! Recently, he wrote a book “The Truth About Chuck Norris: 400 facts about the world’s greatest human” in November. Suing for an as of yet undisclosed amount of money for Trademark infringement, Unjust enrichment, and privacy rights, Chuck claims the book unfairly capitalizes off of his good name, and his mythical exploits that circulate across the net. Star of movies like “The Delta Force”, “Missing in action”, and of course “Walker: Texas Ranger”, he claims the book’s title misleads people into thinking that the quotations in the book are true, such as:
“Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cried.”
“Chuck Norris is the monster under the bed.”
“Chuck Norris was only wrong once: The time he thought he made a mistake”
“Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that CAN kick you in the back of the face.”
From TLKBN’s editor’s first-accounts, the book DOES indeed include some racism, lewdness, and portraying Chuck doing illegal things. The verdict has not been reached yet, although it seems Mr. Norris will walk away with the victory since the book continues to make money off of his name without his authorization.
Teensimba says:True spirited Veteran….
Exton Pennsylvania—The snow was falling, a Salvation Army bell ringer stood outside ringing the bell, and was dumbfounded when someone presented him a check for $10,000!! The man asked that the Salvation Army allow him to remain anonymous, which they readily agreed to. Apparently the donor was a WWII veteran, who remembered the how the Salvation Army gave him free coffee and donuts during his tour of duty, and wanted to return the kindness, all these years later. "The $10,000 is to help pay for my coffee and donuts," Said the the person. "Seems fair to me after 40+ years, with inflation and everything." The note was signed “P.F.C’.
Teensimba says:Remake gone bad!!
In what can only be described as the biggest theatrical bombing of the century, Jessica Simpson’s new film “Blonde Ambition” took a nosedive in it’s extremely limited theatre release. Apparently this movie is a remake of the 1988 movie “Working Girl”, and averaged an embarrasing $55 per screen for a box office amount of $443. This means a humiliating grand total of 48 viewers, with about 6 viewers per screening. It was originally scheduled to go straight to DVD, but ran for a 8-theatre vanity run in texas, as well as some other states. The producers are most likely hoping this viewing trend will not reflect DVD sales!!
Teensimba says:World’s Crappiest way to get stuck!
Des Moines, Iowa: Robert Schoff has officially won the award for the crappiest christmas eve in recorded human history. This 5 foot, 5 inches, and 135 pounds, Robert by no means is a giant. Yet, he could not free himself when he fell face-first into the openting of his underground spetic tank. GROSS. Poor 77-year-old Mr. Schoff would spend all of an hour upside down, and lodged in the opening of that septic tank, after having tried to reach a clog in there, and lost his balance. He tumbled in, and got stuck with only his feet sticking out of the hole. His wife, Mrs. Toni Schoff wouldn’t discover him untill she walked by a window and saw his feet in the air. “I saw these kicking feet and ran out, but couldn't get him out,” She said. Mrs. Schoff couldn’t free him herself, so she enlisted the aid of two Polk County Sheriffs, who yanked her husband out of the tank. “I thought it was the end of my life,” Schoff said. “Thank God my wife saw me. I don't think I could have stood staying in there much more.” Mr. Schoff is fine, but they are going to burn his clothes.
Thank you lions and Lionesses for your support and viewing of the 21st TLKBN newscast! We hope you had as many laughs reading this as the staff did in the process of slapping this baby together. We also would like to extend the most profound apologies of the editor himself for being a lazy /b/tard and not getting this out to you sooner!!
Today’s Daily Quote:
”I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction.”
-Aneurin Bevan
Today’s Wack Fact:
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Vital Information For Your Everyday life:
Pain may often be ignored in a panic situation. Remember to deal with injuries immediately before they become even more serious
Lessons in Urban Lingo:
"Gangsta Lean"
A common driving position in which the driver holds the wheel with his left hand while leaning to his right toward the passenger seat, usually bobbing his head or bumpin' with the beat. It's a pretty badass way to drive. This move works best in a Chevy Caprice or any pimp-style car with a 3-person front seat.
Sammy was gangsta leanin' so hard yesterday that his head was partially out the passenger window. What a pimp.
THANK YOU TEENSIMBA FOR THE HEADLINES AND INFO,
THANK YOU KIARASMATE FOR THE QUOTE AND FACT!
Teensimba says:Forget the glasses, do they sell microscopes!?
Science has reached a new low in the “Too much time on my hands” department, according to the Israeli branch of Nano-technological studies’ latest breakthrough. The masterminds [?] at the Technion institute in Haifa were able to inscribe all 300,000 words of the entire Hebrew text of the Jewish Bible onto a piece of silicon a bit smaller than a grain of sand!! This particular text was chosen to highlight the potential of storing massive amounts of information in absurdly small amounts of space. "It took us about an hour to etch the 300,000 words of the Bible onto a tiny silicon surface," Ohad Zohar said. By shooting tiny particles called “Gallium Ions” at an object, they would rebound and cause an etch effect. "When a particle beam is directed toward a point on the surface, the gold atoms bounce off and expose the silicon layer underneath just like a hammer and chisel," Said Zohar. Hopefully in the future, the study of nanotechnology will be used to revolutionize the storage of data the world over.
Teensimba Says:The Chuck wars!!
The baddest man in the world is out on the warpath again, which is enough to scare even the most levelheaded lion or lioness out there. Luckily, the rest of the planet may be spared his wrath, which is all legally focused on Ian Spector, two of his websites, and the publisher Penguin books! Recently, he wrote a book “The Truth About Chuck Norris: 400 facts about the world’s greatest human” in November. Suing for an as of yet undisclosed amount of money for Trademark infringement, Unjust enrichment, and privacy rights, Chuck claims the book unfairly capitalizes off of his good name, and his mythical exploits that circulate across the net. Star of movies like “The Delta Force”, “Missing in action”, and of course “Walker: Texas Ranger”, he claims the book’s title misleads people into thinking that the quotations in the book are true, such as:
“Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cried.”
“Chuck Norris is the monster under the bed.”
“Chuck Norris was only wrong once: The time he thought he made a mistake”
“Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that CAN kick you in the back of the face.”
From TLKBN’s editor’s first-accounts, the book DOES indeed include some racism, lewdness, and portraying Chuck doing illegal things. The verdict has not been reached yet, although it seems Mr. Norris will walk away with the victory since the book continues to make money off of his name without his authorization.
Teensimba says:True spirited Veteran….
Exton Pennsylvania—The snow was falling, a Salvation Army bell ringer stood outside ringing the bell, and was dumbfounded when someone presented him a check for $10,000!! The man asked that the Salvation Army allow him to remain anonymous, which they readily agreed to. Apparently the donor was a WWII veteran, who remembered the how the Salvation Army gave him free coffee and donuts during his tour of duty, and wanted to return the kindness, all these years later. "The $10,000 is to help pay for my coffee and donuts," Said the the person. "Seems fair to me after 40+ years, with inflation and everything." The note was signed “P.F.C’.
Teensimba says:Remake gone bad!!
In what can only be described as the biggest theatrical bombing of the century, Jessica Simpson’s new film “Blonde Ambition” took a nosedive in it’s extremely limited theatre release. Apparently this movie is a remake of the 1988 movie “Working Girl”, and averaged an embarrasing $55 per screen for a box office amount of $443. This means a humiliating grand total of 48 viewers, with about 6 viewers per screening. It was originally scheduled to go straight to DVD, but ran for a 8-theatre vanity run in texas, as well as some other states. The producers are most likely hoping this viewing trend will not reflect DVD sales!!
Teensimba says:World’s Crappiest way to get stuck!
Des Moines, Iowa: Robert Schoff has officially won the award for the crappiest christmas eve in recorded human history. This 5 foot, 5 inches, and 135 pounds, Robert by no means is a giant. Yet, he could not free himself when he fell face-first into the openting of his underground spetic tank. GROSS. Poor 77-year-old Mr. Schoff would spend all of an hour upside down, and lodged in the opening of that septic tank, after having tried to reach a clog in there, and lost his balance. He tumbled in, and got stuck with only his feet sticking out of the hole. His wife, Mrs. Toni Schoff wouldn’t discover him untill she walked by a window and saw his feet in the air. “I saw these kicking feet and ran out, but couldn't get him out,” She said. Mrs. Schoff couldn’t free him herself, so she enlisted the aid of two Polk County Sheriffs, who yanked her husband out of the tank. “I thought it was the end of my life,” Schoff said. “Thank God my wife saw me. I don't think I could have stood staying in there much more.” Mr. Schoff is fine, but they are going to burn his clothes.
Thank you lions and Lionesses for your support and viewing of the 21st TLKBN newscast! We hope you had as many laughs reading this as the staff did in the process of slapping this baby together. We also would like to extend the most profound apologies of the editor himself for being a lazy /b/tard and not getting this out to you sooner!!
Today’s Daily Quote:
”I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction.”
-Aneurin Bevan
Today’s Wack Fact:
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Vital Information For Your Everyday life:
Pain may often be ignored in a panic situation. Remember to deal with injuries immediately before they become even more serious
Lessons in Urban Lingo:
"Gangsta Lean"
A common driving position in which the driver holds the wheel with his left hand while leaning to his right toward the passenger seat, usually bobbing his head or bumpin' with the beat. It's a pretty badass way to drive. This move works best in a Chevy Caprice or any pimp-style car with a 3-person front seat.
Sammy was gangsta leanin' so hard yesterday that his head was partially out the passenger window. What a pimp.
THANK YOU TEENSIMBA FOR THE HEADLINES AND INFO,
THANK YOU KIARASMATE FOR THE QUOTE AND FACT!