Post by ♠Rafiki♠ on Aug 2, 2007 2:13:39 GMT -5
Good morning lions and lionesses!! Announcing the latest TLKBN, which is coming to you with a whopping *10* stories after a brief period of hiatus. Our editor, Raf himself, would like to apologize to all our loyal followers, who, through copious amounts of praise and nachos, have managed to keep him sane, and on the road to more journalistic nonsense!! Yes, it’s me! Your [semi-preferred] host and Ace-reporter, Rafiki the mandrill, who is coming to you live from his baobab tree!!!
“Thank you, me!! Greetings lions and lionesses, and again, as I said earlier, I am back and better than ever. If anyone could forgive me for being such a lazy S.o.B, then we’ll get this show on the road!! Aside from hearing me talk to myself like the raving lunatic I am, I would like to take this moment to announce that the research project on my highly controversial character, Tobias, has been suspended indefinitely. Unfortunately, due to the serious short-sightedness, and a lesson learned only through screwing things up all to heck, I will not be able to report my findings as I had originally hoped. To make up for this, and to try and salve the wounds of inconsistency, I have taken the special liberty of making this a triple feature, to make up for past TLKBN’s I have not been able to post.
I am still trying to move things around, and improve the quality of the TLKBN reports continuously. As such, I will be, and still am open to any suggestions you of the viewing crowd might have to offer. Any suggestions at all would be most helpful, and I will do my best to include anything you’ve got to offer, that is within reason. I’m only mandrill, people!! Now enough of my senseless ramble!! On with the news!!
Thanks again for not ditching us,
-The TLKBN news team.
[News Anchor: Raf, Secretary: Raf, Editor: Raf, Field reporter: Raf, and our resident punching bag intern, Raf!! ]”
Good LORD, I love the name squid. I want a pet squid. I might go catch one, and name it squidward. [this is a re-coverage story, incase anyone gives a hoot.]
Pictured above is the Jumbo squid, AKA the Humboldt squid[Dosidicus gigas]. With the capacity to grow up to 7 feet in length, and weigh in at a whopping 110 lbs, they are pretty formidable creatures of the deep indeed! Unfortunately, this once rare breed of squid has made a thunderous return, and that has scientist worried. While the return of this squid once viewed as good, it now is seen as bad, since this squid’s main diet is that of the hark, anchovies, and other commercial fish. Since there are so many appearing off the coast of California, they are increasingly devouring more of hark, anchovy, and other fish than they can replace. This is bad news, since those populations of fish are the main prey of sharks, as well as being used for fish sticks in the food-market. It is unknown at the moment how this invasion of squid will be dealt with [they usually flee from humans], but something must be done soon, before they ruin the delicate ecosystem.
Hmm… I’m not so sure I like cats anymore….
Meet Oscar! He’s the kitty pictured above. Nothing fancy about a cat, right? WRONG!! Oscar isn’t any normal cat, at least according to some specialists. Oscar has so far been able to predict correctly the deaths of 25 nursing home patients, with 4 hours of the actual death of that person. Oddly enough, he was adopted as a kitten by the hospital, and spent most of his early life being raised by the nursing staff in the dementia unit of the facility. No one is sure how Oscar is able to predict the coming of death so accurately, but families of deceased loved ones say they appreciate his service, since the nurses have called to notify families of people who have been predicted to die. They usually arrive in time to spend the final moments with the sickened loved one. When put out during that person’s final moments, Oscar will pace by the door, and meow annoyed. He has been so unbelievably accurate, he has already received a plaque and an essay in the New England Journal of medicine.
Makes me wonder about my appendix surgery…..
Thomas Ho is in serious trouble. As a resident/anesthesiologist of the one of the hospitals in Boston, he is expected to be a responsible adult, which is entrusted with the safety and lives of his patients. Imagine the horror when he fell asleep during an operation on a child Dec. 2006. As well as practicing medicine on a limited license that expired early in July of that year, he was proven to have inhaled some anesthetic during a lunch break. Having said he was in considerable mental stress at the time, he was taking several medications prior to his career threatening nap. Before he will be allowed to apply for a new license, he must prove that he is both drug-free for 15 continuous months, as well as submitting to mandatory chemical-dependency monitoring.
Waiter!! You forgot my salt!!
Believe it or not, you gaze upon one of the most uniquely constructed hotels of it’s kind: This one is made entirely out of bricks of salt. This one-of-a-kind tourist attraction sits on the white plains of the Salar de Uyuni, Bolivia. One of the largest regions of it’s kind on earth, the white plains are aptly named for being an extremely large, blindingly white salt desert. Even though it looks deader out there than a graveyard, and some of the only features on the land being mounds of salt, this odd place houses cacti, a rare species of hummingbird, and even a variety of flamingo that stop by to lay eggs every year. Until being it became an adventure-tourist hotspot, the only inhabitants of the cold region were salt miners, who are able to extract 25,000 tons of salt from the 10 billion tons available. That is a LOT of salt.
I don’t know about him, but I’ve got a SENSITIVE nose…
Eugene Pilouw is afflicted with Diabetes. As such, it has destroyed most of the nerves in his nose responsible for smell, which leaves him pretty much without 1 of the 5 senses. On July 12th, he noticed his wife had gone missing, and had not left any hint of where she’d gone. Figuring she had run away from home again after he’d realized he was missing an envelope containing $250, he figured she’d left him. Imagine his surprise when his daughter found her rotting corpse in a back storage room 3 days later. "I never smelled anything and I still don't smell anything," Said Pilouw. Having been landed with three cats that he could not take care of, he’d given them away. His daughter had gone to the storage room to find a cat carrier when she came across the body. "It wasn't a room that was visited on a regular basis," Said Pilouw, in reference to the storage room. Toxicology results are still being awaited, as the autopsy came back inconclusive.
Well, he’s too big to flush so….
What would you do if you saw a moving pillowcase? A peace officer for an animal abuse prevention society was taking a stroll down a New York beach Saturday, when he came across a moving pillowcase. On it was written “Live Gator. Please find him a home.” After calling in for help to capture the 30-inch-long animal, they were able to capture it, and are currently looking for a preserve to put him in, as well as any information leading to the arrest of whoever dumped it in the first place.
Hmmm…. Who could be so rich they give out free money randomly?
Spooked residents of a Japanese apartment building in Tokyo turned in 1.81 million yen [$15,210 U.S.D] to the police after randomly receiving anonymous envelopes filled with money. They at first thought the bills were fake, but quickly turned it into the police when they realized it was all real cash. Oddly enough, this isn’t the first time this has happened. An elderly lady found another envelope with 1 million yen in her mailbox as well. Envelopes filled with money have been appearing in public bathrooms as well, yet police are unable to determine where it comes from, or who is leaving them. They all are found in white, nameless, featureless, envelopes, with notes telling people to do good deeds. Another unexplained event is that money was seen falling from the sky in front of a convenience store. No one even touched it, and authorities gathered it all. The same thing happened on an overpass, although several of the bills were picked up before authorities could respond.
Up in the sky!! It’s a bird!! It’s a plane!! It’s a… 200 lb. Fish!? WTF?!
The large fish pictured above is a sturgeon, a large freshwater fish that has been causing large problems for residents around flowing waterways in Orlando, Florida. For millions of years sturgeon have been randomly jumping out of the water, and scientists cannot explain why. They CAN tell you to be careful!! Under state protection, these mighty fish [while endangered, and cannot be caught for sport or food] are able to grow to lengths of 8 feet. With people out on the water, Human/Fish and Fish/Human collisions are rapidly growing. Due to the armor-like skin/scales of sturgeon, they easily lay open any unfortunate human being that happens to hit them. It is unknown why the collisions are on the rise, but they ARE known to be within a 40 mile radius. Where or when or why the next hit will occur, no one knows!!
I don’t know WHAT this guy’s problem is….
Cheveon Alonzo Ford, age 21, was arrested Tuesday for making too many fake 911 calls. Charged with making 292 false emergency calls, police were able to nab him with the use of global positioning coordinates. The reason he said he made them was outrageous: He was out of minutes on his cell phone, and 911 was the only free call he could make. He is currently being held on a $50,000 bond.
I think this guy might be the fastest texter in the world….
Leszek Wojcik has been fired from his job as a city bus driver in the town of Slupsk, Poland, after using his company cell phone to send a whopping 38,000 text messages. He was able to run up a 94,000 zloty ($34,000 U.S.D) bill, while trying to win a 100,000 zloty ($36,000 U.S.D) prize for an SMS contest. His company has most hurriedly fired him, after grossly neglecting his 15 zloty ($5 U.S.D) limit to text messages on it. Sending out 1,200 per day on average, it’s no wonder he was able to run up such a large tab at 2.40 zlotys ($0.86) per message.
The golden arches get sued for stupider and stupider things everyday…
Beijing China: Some whack job lawyer has reportedly sued McDonald’s corporation for a resounding 13 cents and an apology after being given his sales receipt that was printed in English, instead of Chinese. He claimed it "violates the consumers' right to know.". McDonald’s has not said anything about any court case, but has said that it has changed it’s menus and receipts from English to Chinese.
That slimy old man!
73 year old Philip Kolinski and another man have been arrested after asking for metal donations for an “honor the veterans” metal sculpture, and then selling the donations for their own profit. After they were ratted out by the scrap yard, they were given a very suiting punishment: He and the other man must clean a veteran’s memorial with only a toothbrush and a bucket, and a placard that says “I stole from veterans.” He says he did not know what he was doing was illegal, and that he was only hauling the metal for the other man. He’s plead guilty to a misdemeanor charge of getting under $200 under false pretenses, and has been ordered to pay $9,000 in restitution, as well as $2,095 in fees and fines. “I just hauled it and took it to the dump yard,” Kolinski said. “I feel sorry for what I did.”
Today’s Wack fact:
It is a myth that dogs are color-blind.
Today’s Quote:
“Give a man a lit match, and he’ll be warm for a minute. Light a man on fire, and he’ll be warm the rest of his life.
-Unknown
Vital information for your everyday life:
When you meet someone with 12 fingers, it is rude to say “GOOD LUCK FINDIN’ GLOVES, YA SIX-FINGERED FREAK!!”.
Thank you lions and lionesses!! This has been another successful broadcast of TLKBN!! Your source for Retarded news updates at the click of a link!! I’m your host and ace-reporter, Rafiki the mandrill, hoping you will stay safe, sane, and out of future broadcasts!!
“Thank you, me!! Greetings lions and lionesses, and again, as I said earlier, I am back and better than ever. If anyone could forgive me for being such a lazy S.o.B, then we’ll get this show on the road!! Aside from hearing me talk to myself like the raving lunatic I am, I would like to take this moment to announce that the research project on my highly controversial character, Tobias, has been suspended indefinitely. Unfortunately, due to the serious short-sightedness, and a lesson learned only through screwing things up all to heck, I will not be able to report my findings as I had originally hoped. To make up for this, and to try and salve the wounds of inconsistency, I have taken the special liberty of making this a triple feature, to make up for past TLKBN’s I have not been able to post.
I am still trying to move things around, and improve the quality of the TLKBN reports continuously. As such, I will be, and still am open to any suggestions you of the viewing crowd might have to offer. Any suggestions at all would be most helpful, and I will do my best to include anything you’ve got to offer, that is within reason. I’m only mandrill, people!! Now enough of my senseless ramble!! On with the news!!
Thanks again for not ditching us,
-The TLKBN news team.
[News Anchor: Raf, Secretary: Raf, Editor: Raf, Field reporter: Raf, and our resident
Good LORD, I love the name squid. I want a pet squid. I might go catch one, and name it squidward. [this is a re-coverage story, incase anyone gives a hoot.]
Pictured above is the Jumbo squid, AKA the Humboldt squid[Dosidicus gigas]. With the capacity to grow up to 7 feet in length, and weigh in at a whopping 110 lbs, they are pretty formidable creatures of the deep indeed! Unfortunately, this once rare breed of squid has made a thunderous return, and that has scientist worried. While the return of this squid once viewed as good, it now is seen as bad, since this squid’s main diet is that of the hark, anchovies, and other commercial fish. Since there are so many appearing off the coast of California, they are increasingly devouring more of hark, anchovy, and other fish than they can replace. This is bad news, since those populations of fish are the main prey of sharks, as well as being used for fish sticks in the food-market. It is unknown at the moment how this invasion of squid will be dealt with [they usually flee from humans], but something must be done soon, before they ruin the delicate ecosystem.
Hmm… I’m not so sure I like cats anymore….
Meet Oscar! He’s the kitty pictured above. Nothing fancy about a cat, right? WRONG!! Oscar isn’t any normal cat, at least according to some specialists. Oscar has so far been able to predict correctly the deaths of 25 nursing home patients, with 4 hours of the actual death of that person. Oddly enough, he was adopted as a kitten by the hospital, and spent most of his early life being raised by the nursing staff in the dementia unit of the facility. No one is sure how Oscar is able to predict the coming of death so accurately, but families of deceased loved ones say they appreciate his service, since the nurses have called to notify families of people who have been predicted to die. They usually arrive in time to spend the final moments with the sickened loved one. When put out during that person’s final moments, Oscar will pace by the door, and meow annoyed. He has been so unbelievably accurate, he has already received a plaque and an essay in the New England Journal of medicine.
Makes me wonder about my appendix surgery…..
Thomas Ho is in serious trouble. As a resident/anesthesiologist of the one of the hospitals in Boston, he is expected to be a responsible adult, which is entrusted with the safety and lives of his patients. Imagine the horror when he fell asleep during an operation on a child Dec. 2006. As well as practicing medicine on a limited license that expired early in July of that year, he was proven to have inhaled some anesthetic during a lunch break. Having said he was in considerable mental stress at the time, he was taking several medications prior to his career threatening nap. Before he will be allowed to apply for a new license, he must prove that he is both drug-free for 15 continuous months, as well as submitting to mandatory chemical-dependency monitoring.
Waiter!! You forgot my salt!!
Believe it or not, you gaze upon one of the most uniquely constructed hotels of it’s kind: This one is made entirely out of bricks of salt. This one-of-a-kind tourist attraction sits on the white plains of the Salar de Uyuni, Bolivia. One of the largest regions of it’s kind on earth, the white plains are aptly named for being an extremely large, blindingly white salt desert. Even though it looks deader out there than a graveyard, and some of the only features on the land being mounds of salt, this odd place houses cacti, a rare species of hummingbird, and even a variety of flamingo that stop by to lay eggs every year. Until being it became an adventure-tourist hotspot, the only inhabitants of the cold region were salt miners, who are able to extract 25,000 tons of salt from the 10 billion tons available. That is a LOT of salt.
I don’t know about him, but I’ve got a SENSITIVE nose…
Eugene Pilouw is afflicted with Diabetes. As such, it has destroyed most of the nerves in his nose responsible for smell, which leaves him pretty much without 1 of the 5 senses. On July 12th, he noticed his wife had gone missing, and had not left any hint of where she’d gone. Figuring she had run away from home again after he’d realized he was missing an envelope containing $250, he figured she’d left him. Imagine his surprise when his daughter found her rotting corpse in a back storage room 3 days later. "I never smelled anything and I still don't smell anything," Said Pilouw. Having been landed with three cats that he could not take care of, he’d given them away. His daughter had gone to the storage room to find a cat carrier when she came across the body. "It wasn't a room that was visited on a regular basis," Said Pilouw, in reference to the storage room. Toxicology results are still being awaited, as the autopsy came back inconclusive.
Well, he’s too big to flush so….
What would you do if you saw a moving pillowcase? A peace officer for an animal abuse prevention society was taking a stroll down a New York beach Saturday, when he came across a moving pillowcase. On it was written “Live Gator. Please find him a home.” After calling in for help to capture the 30-inch-long animal, they were able to capture it, and are currently looking for a preserve to put him in, as well as any information leading to the arrest of whoever dumped it in the first place.
Hmmm…. Who could be so rich they give out free money randomly?
Spooked residents of a Japanese apartment building in Tokyo turned in 1.81 million yen [$15,210 U.S.D] to the police after randomly receiving anonymous envelopes filled with money. They at first thought the bills were fake, but quickly turned it into the police when they realized it was all real cash. Oddly enough, this isn’t the first time this has happened. An elderly lady found another envelope with 1 million yen in her mailbox as well. Envelopes filled with money have been appearing in public bathrooms as well, yet police are unable to determine where it comes from, or who is leaving them. They all are found in white, nameless, featureless, envelopes, with notes telling people to do good deeds. Another unexplained event is that money was seen falling from the sky in front of a convenience store. No one even touched it, and authorities gathered it all. The same thing happened on an overpass, although several of the bills were picked up before authorities could respond.
Up in the sky!! It’s a bird!! It’s a plane!! It’s a… 200 lb. Fish!? WTF?!
The large fish pictured above is a sturgeon, a large freshwater fish that has been causing large problems for residents around flowing waterways in Orlando, Florida. For millions of years sturgeon have been randomly jumping out of the water, and scientists cannot explain why. They CAN tell you to be careful!! Under state protection, these mighty fish [while endangered, and cannot be caught for sport or food] are able to grow to lengths of 8 feet. With people out on the water, Human/Fish and Fish/Human collisions are rapidly growing. Due to the armor-like skin/scales of sturgeon, they easily lay open any unfortunate human being that happens to hit them. It is unknown why the collisions are on the rise, but they ARE known to be within a 40 mile radius. Where or when or why the next hit will occur, no one knows!!
I don’t know WHAT this guy’s problem is….
Cheveon Alonzo Ford, age 21, was arrested Tuesday for making too many fake 911 calls. Charged with making 292 false emergency calls, police were able to nab him with the use of global positioning coordinates. The reason he said he made them was outrageous: He was out of minutes on his cell phone, and 911 was the only free call he could make. He is currently being held on a $50,000 bond.
I think this guy might be the fastest texter in the world….
Leszek Wojcik has been fired from his job as a city bus driver in the town of Slupsk, Poland, after using his company cell phone to send a whopping 38,000 text messages. He was able to run up a 94,000 zloty ($34,000 U.S.D) bill, while trying to win a 100,000 zloty ($36,000 U.S.D) prize for an SMS contest. His company has most hurriedly fired him, after grossly neglecting his 15 zloty ($5 U.S.D) limit to text messages on it. Sending out 1,200 per day on average, it’s no wonder he was able to run up such a large tab at 2.40 zlotys ($0.86) per message.
The golden arches get sued for stupider and stupider things everyday…
Beijing China: Some whack job lawyer has reportedly sued McDonald’s corporation for a resounding 13 cents and an apology after being given his sales receipt that was printed in English, instead of Chinese. He claimed it "violates the consumers' right to know.". McDonald’s has not said anything about any court case, but has said that it has changed it’s menus and receipts from English to Chinese.
That slimy old man!
73 year old Philip Kolinski and another man have been arrested after asking for metal donations for an “honor the veterans” metal sculpture, and then selling the donations for their own profit. After they were ratted out by the scrap yard, they were given a very suiting punishment: He and the other man must clean a veteran’s memorial with only a toothbrush and a bucket, and a placard that says “I stole from veterans.” He says he did not know what he was doing was illegal, and that he was only hauling the metal for the other man. He’s plead guilty to a misdemeanor charge of getting under $200 under false pretenses, and has been ordered to pay $9,000 in restitution, as well as $2,095 in fees and fines. “I just hauled it and took it to the dump yard,” Kolinski said. “I feel sorry for what I did.”
Today’s Wack fact:
It is a myth that dogs are color-blind.
Today’s Quote:
“Give a man a lit match, and he’ll be warm for a minute. Light a man on fire, and he’ll be warm the rest of his life.
-Unknown
Vital information for your everyday life:
When you meet someone with 12 fingers, it is rude to say “GOOD LUCK FINDIN’ GLOVES, YA SIX-FINGERED FREAK!!”.
Thank you lions and lionesses!! This has been another successful broadcast of TLKBN!! Your source for Retarded news updates at the click of a link!! I’m your host and ace-reporter, Rafiki the mandrill, hoping you will stay safe, sane, and out of future broadcasts!!