Post by ♠Rafiki♠ on Aug 2, 2007 2:10:38 GMT -5
Greetings lions and lionesses, and welcome to another broadcast of TLKBN, which is your premiere sourced for retarded news and the occasional conversation opener!
My goodness, I feel for this poor woman…
The Brazilian Government has ordered that the Internet auction site Mercado Livre [Which is partially owned by ebay] remove an ad placed by a person going by the screen name of “Breno” and it was advertising the sale of his wife for about $50. The ad has since been removed, yet it is unclear to officials if the ad was simply meant as a joke. Mercado itself did not realize the ad was there, since it also has another million or so items listed as well. The government was forced to act, since there is a law preventing the sale of "human organs, people, blood, bones or skin.". Breno listed his wife as being 35 and “worth her weight in gold”.
What a novel solution to get Mr. Wellington back for not giving you that raise 37 years ago!
Anamosa, Iowa is busting out $6,000 to have all the locks in Anamosa State Penitentiary changed. The warden [Jerry Burden] found out that a former guard who’d retired in the 1970’s passed away, and that someone sold his set of keys to the prison. The person sold them over the Internet advertising they would open doors to the prison. "It certainly is technologically behind the times, but many of the old technologies still work remarkably well," says Burden, warden of the 135-year-old prison. He is not sure if any of the keys even work still, but was not willing to take the chance since several murderers are locked up there. The selling price? $12.
I don’t think any of the guys at the lodge will believe this… It’s a miracle it wasn’t eaten by a shark!
Cornish fishermen Chris Earl and Tony Allsopp were out checking lobster pots and fishing in their boat off the coast of England when they realized they’d hooked a big’un: A live deer, which must have fallen into the see. At first sight, it appeared to be a log. But, then they saw the antlers, "and big worried eyes," as well as its legs, which were still moving. “It's not the sort of creature you expect to see half a mile out." Earl said. They were able to get along side it, toss a line around, and haul it aboard by the antlers. "Luckily it wasn't the biggest of animals or we wouldn't have had a chance. It was about the size of a big dog. It was a good job the sea was flat calm. If there had been a swell we wouldn't have seen the deer," said Earl. The two found the amphibious deer near the small island of Gull rock, most likely heading along the Cornish coast. They had to sit on it, since there was no more space in the boat. After getting it land worthy again, they stuffed it in the back of their jeep, and released it further inland to be with it’s fellow deer. Animal experts say the deer must have fallen in the sea from nearby woods, as well as adding that deer are good swimmers.
I’d have died of embarrassment LONG before the Mrs. found me….
South Africa has one of the worst crime rates in the entire world, so hearing of being abducted and/or jacked by the local gangs isn’t much of a big deal. The problem is the way they robbed this poor man. He was in his late 50’s, and the robbery was done much in the same as it always is: The victim is forced by his or her assailants to drive them to their own home, and are bound or killed while they are robbed. So, in broad daylight, he’s abducted and drives them to his house. When they get in, they don’t tie him up, but rather force him to strip down naked, and super glued him to the seat of an exercise bike, while they robbed him of money, valuables, and whiskey. First, they stripped him. Then, they super glued his bottom to the chair. After, they super glued his hands and feet to the pedals and handles. Finally, they glued his mouth shut. 3 hours later, his partner arrived, and help was finally called for. Paramedics had to use a mixture of chemicals as well as petroleum jelly to get the glue to crystallize, so they could pry the man’s skin from the bike. It is unsure if the rise in violence will affect South Africa’s hosting of the Fifa world cup in 2010.
And God said, “Let there be lights!!” [I’ma burn for that one…]
A Kentucky congregation returned to their cars on Sunday after a service to find bags of marijuana on their car windshields. Divine Intervention has definitely been ruled out by the cops, but they DID nab and charged Ronnie Turner, age 44 with 47 counts of drug trafficking. He says god told him to plant the Baggies on the windshields at Elkton Baptist Church in Todd County. Each bag packed a whole quarter of an ounce, which is worth about $20 bucks on the street, and is about enough to make 10 joints. Also left with each of the Baggies was a note saying 'Peace poles Native American right.' Police have no idea what the note means, and 47 bags have been found. Turner’s neighbor also said he’d been talking a lot about marijuana and god lately.
Looks like cats don’t always land feet first…
Tang Meirong, age 53, of Chongqing city is suing 200 people after a cat, who most likely fell from one of the rooms in a block of flats landed on her head, knocking her out. She is filing a lawsuit since none of the residents will claim responsibility for the accident. "I was walking on the footpath under the building, and suddenly a heavy object hit my head. I remember nothing afterwards," Meirong said. After regaining consciousness, she phoned cops. The manager of the building said it would be very difficult to track down the owner of the cat, when the police came a’knockin. So, Mrs. Meirong says she will sue each and every one of the 200 people whose flats overlook the path she was walking on. Tragically, the cat was killed by the fall.
Thank you Lions and lionesses, for viewing another successful showing of TLKBN!! This is your l33tmaster/host, Rafiki the mandrill, urging you to avoid sitting on fitness bikes in South Africa!! Thank you, and Goodnight.
Today’s Daily Fact:
A government funded study shows that pigs can become alcoholics.
Today’s daily Quote:
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
-George W. Bush
My goodness, I feel for this poor woman…
The Brazilian Government has ordered that the Internet auction site Mercado Livre [Which is partially owned by ebay] remove an ad placed by a person going by the screen name of “Breno” and it was advertising the sale of his wife for about $50. The ad has since been removed, yet it is unclear to officials if the ad was simply meant as a joke. Mercado itself did not realize the ad was there, since it also has another million or so items listed as well. The government was forced to act, since there is a law preventing the sale of "human organs, people, blood, bones or skin.". Breno listed his wife as being 35 and “worth her weight in gold”.
What a novel solution to get Mr. Wellington back for not giving you that raise 37 years ago!
Anamosa, Iowa is busting out $6,000 to have all the locks in Anamosa State Penitentiary changed. The warden [Jerry Burden] found out that a former guard who’d retired in the 1970’s passed away, and that someone sold his set of keys to the prison. The person sold them over the Internet advertising they would open doors to the prison. "It certainly is technologically behind the times, but many of the old technologies still work remarkably well," says Burden, warden of the 135-year-old prison. He is not sure if any of the keys even work still, but was not willing to take the chance since several murderers are locked up there. The selling price? $12.
I don’t think any of the guys at the lodge will believe this… It’s a miracle it wasn’t eaten by a shark!
Cornish fishermen Chris Earl and Tony Allsopp were out checking lobster pots and fishing in their boat off the coast of England when they realized they’d hooked a big’un: A live deer, which must have fallen into the see. At first sight, it appeared to be a log. But, then they saw the antlers, "and big worried eyes," as well as its legs, which were still moving. “It's not the sort of creature you expect to see half a mile out." Earl said. They were able to get along side it, toss a line around, and haul it aboard by the antlers. "Luckily it wasn't the biggest of animals or we wouldn't have had a chance. It was about the size of a big dog. It was a good job the sea was flat calm. If there had been a swell we wouldn't have seen the deer," said Earl. The two found the amphibious deer near the small island of Gull rock, most likely heading along the Cornish coast. They had to sit on it, since there was no more space in the boat. After getting it land worthy again, they stuffed it in the back of their jeep, and released it further inland to be with it’s fellow deer. Animal experts say the deer must have fallen in the sea from nearby woods, as well as adding that deer are good swimmers.
I’d have died of embarrassment LONG before the Mrs. found me….
South Africa has one of the worst crime rates in the entire world, so hearing of being abducted and/or jacked by the local gangs isn’t much of a big deal. The problem is the way they robbed this poor man. He was in his late 50’s, and the robbery was done much in the same as it always is: The victim is forced by his or her assailants to drive them to their own home, and are bound or killed while they are robbed. So, in broad daylight, he’s abducted and drives them to his house. When they get in, they don’t tie him up, but rather force him to strip down naked, and super glued him to the seat of an exercise bike, while they robbed him of money, valuables, and whiskey. First, they stripped him. Then, they super glued his bottom to the chair. After, they super glued his hands and feet to the pedals and handles. Finally, they glued his mouth shut. 3 hours later, his partner arrived, and help was finally called for. Paramedics had to use a mixture of chemicals as well as petroleum jelly to get the glue to crystallize, so they could pry the man’s skin from the bike. It is unsure if the rise in violence will affect South Africa’s hosting of the Fifa world cup in 2010.
And God said, “Let there be lights!!” [I’ma burn for that one…]
A Kentucky congregation returned to their cars on Sunday after a service to find bags of marijuana on their car windshields. Divine Intervention has definitely been ruled out by the cops, but they DID nab and charged Ronnie Turner, age 44 with 47 counts of drug trafficking. He says god told him to plant the Baggies on the windshields at Elkton Baptist Church in Todd County. Each bag packed a whole quarter of an ounce, which is worth about $20 bucks on the street, and is about enough to make 10 joints. Also left with each of the Baggies was a note saying 'Peace poles Native American right.' Police have no idea what the note means, and 47 bags have been found. Turner’s neighbor also said he’d been talking a lot about marijuana and god lately.
Looks like cats don’t always land feet first…
Tang Meirong, age 53, of Chongqing city is suing 200 people after a cat, who most likely fell from one of the rooms in a block of flats landed on her head, knocking her out. She is filing a lawsuit since none of the residents will claim responsibility for the accident. "I was walking on the footpath under the building, and suddenly a heavy object hit my head. I remember nothing afterwards," Meirong said. After regaining consciousness, she phoned cops. The manager of the building said it would be very difficult to track down the owner of the cat, when the police came a’knockin. So, Mrs. Meirong says she will sue each and every one of the 200 people whose flats overlook the path she was walking on. Tragically, the cat was killed by the fall.
Thank you Lions and lionesses, for viewing another successful showing of TLKBN!! This is your l33tmaster/host, Rafiki the mandrill, urging you to avoid sitting on fitness bikes in South Africa!! Thank you, and Goodnight.
Today’s Daily Fact:
A government funded study shows that pigs can become alcoholics.
Today’s daily Quote:
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
-George W. Bush