Post by ♠Rafiki♠ on Aug 1, 2007 18:24:35 GMT -5
Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'm your host, rafiki the mandrill and this is TLK news! For tonight's broadcast, we have a sight of a UFO, a "Gift" santa left for a N.C. girl, and a look back on the year 2006.
Our first story begins with tragic news, and a warning to parents:keep your children under a close watch.
Mubashar Ali, age 9, has acciedentally hung himself today. With the help of his older sister, he was renacting Saddam Hussien's execution. By tieing the rope around a ceiling fan, youg Ali had created a noose which he tied around his own neck, and despite attempts to free him, he was dead by the time he was freed. The local police force has ruled this an accidental death, and a case of parental negligence. Authorities say this was brought on by an intense barrage of footage, films, and pictures of Saddam Hussien surrounded in blck masked executioners. Spokesman and media have all ridiculed the graphic nature of the footage of Saddam's final moments.
Our next story is another warning to parents to be more cautious of buying things off the renowned auction site, "Ebay".
A young girl in China grove N.C. accidentally got a "Present" of the worst kind. Her mother had purchased a "Bratz" make up head for her daughter of of ebay and had recieved the item shortly before christmas day. She had said it looked fine as it still seemed factory wrapped, so she procceded to gift wrap it for her child. On christmas day, the girl awoke and had ripped the wrapping paper off, to find 3 lbs. of marijuana. Calling police, she was told drugs are moved frequently through sites such as ebay, and that the package was meant for someone else. Estimated worth of the stash: about $7,000.
And our final segment: A look back at the year 2006.
" IT WAS A YEAR in which Pluto stopped being a planet but Paris Hilton remained a star, the Crocodile Hunter was killed by a fish, and parents warned kids not to eat their spinach.
It was 2006: snakes on a plane, Mel in a car, Britney on the brain. In a time when news of stupidity is spread further and faster than ever before thanks to the Internet, what else is there to do but give a special Borat high-five to the year nearly past and celebrate its lows? These news items are all true.
January
- Several women in Springfield, Mo., have to be treated for infections after agreeing to be tattooed by a man who said he was a door-to-door tattoo salesman. One describes his tattoo tool: "It was wrapped with black tape, had a pin underneath it, had fishing wire going through it. You could tell it was homemade."
- William Shatner sells his kidney stone for $25,000 to goldenpalace.com, the casino that buys and displays weird items. The money goes to Habitat for Humanity and pays for half a house.
February
- Rep. Bobby Franklin (R-Marietta) introduces a bill to name Georgia red clay the state's official dirt.
- A semiformal event at the Milwaukee Art Museum ends with patrons throwing up, passing out, fighting and climbing on sculptures. The private event, MartiniFest, offers unlimited martinis for $30 a person.
March
- Isaac Hayes, who once sang "Chocolate Salty Balls" on "South Park," quits the show over its "growing insensitivity"
toward personal spiritual beliefs." The show had been making fun of Scientology, and Hayes is a Scientologist.
- Haldis Gundersen of Oslo turns on the water in his apartment and beer flows out. Meanwhile, in the Big Tower Bar downstairs, water comes out of the beer tap. Someone had accidentally hooked the beer hoses to the water pipes.
April
- Police raid a strip club in Federal Heights, Colo., charging two dancers with prostitution. The bouncer working the door says he didn't know what was going on inside, and he took the job for the health insurance. The bouncer is Dale Sparks, mayor of Federal Heights.
- Hardee's introduces the Philly Cheesesteak Thickburger, which contains 930 calories and 63 grams of fat. It falls short of the chain's Monster Thickburger, with 1,420 calories.
- Tiger Woods apologizes for using the word "spaz" in a press conference to describe his own poor putting.
May
- U.S. patent number 7037243: The cordless jump-rope, invented by Lester Clancy. It's just two handles, and you pretend the rope is there. This way, he says, you don't have to worry about tripping on the rope.
June
- A federal investigation finds that debit cards given to Hurricane Katrina survivors were used to purchase "Girls Gone Wild" videos, diamond jewelry and a $200 bottle of champagne at a Hooters in San Antonio. The report does not say if this was all one guy.
- The Salt Lake City Tribune reports that, according to Google, Utah leads the nation in Internet searches for Jesus, the second coming, quilting and baby names. Also No. 1 in Utah, according to the article: panties.
July
- Hey, Mel, let us call you a cab. No? You sure? OK, drive safe.
August
- John Mark Karr confesses to killing JonBenet Ramsey. Media yawns: "Yeah, what else ya got?"
September
- Spinach salad? No, thanks. I'm a health nut. I'll have the Philly Cheesesteak Thickburger instead.
- A Columbus, Ohio, Mitsubishi dealer unveils radio ads stating it is "launching a jihad on the automotive market." "Friday is fatwa Friday, with free rubber swords for the kiddies," the ads say.
- Clay Aiken named to the President's Committee for People With Intellectual Disabilities.
October
- Billionaire Steve Wynn accidentally sticks his elbow straight through a Picasso painting he owns titled "La Reve," valued at $139 million. He calls his wife and says, "You'll never believe what I just did."
- Leann and Rusty Real of Biloxi, Miss., name their son ESPN.
November
- A hardware store owner in Oberlin, Ohio, has let controversial local artists use his store window in the past but pulls the latest exhibit after complaints. The artist says he did not mean to offend anyone with his Nazi gingerbread men.
- Michael Richards supplies 50 Cent with the lyrics to his next hit hip-hop song.
- Rupert Murdoch's minions finally come up with a scheme so crass and exploitive that even Fox has to cancel it: O.J. Simpson's "If I Did It." John Mark Karr slaps forehead, wishes he'd thought of that.
December
- A homeowners association in Pagosa Springs, Colo., threatens a homeowner with $25-a-day fines until she takes down a Christmas wreath with a peace symbol. The association said some residents complained it was an anti-war statement, while others believe it is satanic. "
Thank you ladies and gentlemen, that has been today's broadcast. This is your host, rafiki the mandrill, urging you to be safe, healthy, and sane.
Our first story begins with tragic news, and a warning to parents:keep your children under a close watch.
Mubashar Ali, age 9, has acciedentally hung himself today. With the help of his older sister, he was renacting Saddam Hussien's execution. By tieing the rope around a ceiling fan, youg Ali had created a noose which he tied around his own neck, and despite attempts to free him, he was dead by the time he was freed. The local police force has ruled this an accidental death, and a case of parental negligence. Authorities say this was brought on by an intense barrage of footage, films, and pictures of Saddam Hussien surrounded in blck masked executioners. Spokesman and media have all ridiculed the graphic nature of the footage of Saddam's final moments.
Our next story is another warning to parents to be more cautious of buying things off the renowned auction site, "Ebay".
A young girl in China grove N.C. accidentally got a "Present" of the worst kind. Her mother had purchased a "Bratz" make up head for her daughter of of ebay and had recieved the item shortly before christmas day. She had said it looked fine as it still seemed factory wrapped, so she procceded to gift wrap it for her child. On christmas day, the girl awoke and had ripped the wrapping paper off, to find 3 lbs. of marijuana. Calling police, she was told drugs are moved frequently through sites such as ebay, and that the package was meant for someone else. Estimated worth of the stash: about $7,000.
And our final segment: A look back at the year 2006.
" IT WAS A YEAR in which Pluto stopped being a planet but Paris Hilton remained a star, the Crocodile Hunter was killed by a fish, and parents warned kids not to eat their spinach.
It was 2006: snakes on a plane, Mel in a car, Britney on the brain. In a time when news of stupidity is spread further and faster than ever before thanks to the Internet, what else is there to do but give a special Borat high-five to the year nearly past and celebrate its lows? These news items are all true.
January
- Several women in Springfield, Mo., have to be treated for infections after agreeing to be tattooed by a man who said he was a door-to-door tattoo salesman. One describes his tattoo tool: "It was wrapped with black tape, had a pin underneath it, had fishing wire going through it. You could tell it was homemade."
- William Shatner sells his kidney stone for $25,000 to goldenpalace.com, the casino that buys and displays weird items. The money goes to Habitat for Humanity and pays for half a house.
February
- Rep. Bobby Franklin (R-Marietta) introduces a bill to name Georgia red clay the state's official dirt.
- A semiformal event at the Milwaukee Art Museum ends with patrons throwing up, passing out, fighting and climbing on sculptures. The private event, MartiniFest, offers unlimited martinis for $30 a person.
March
- Isaac Hayes, who once sang "Chocolate Salty Balls" on "South Park," quits the show over its "growing insensitivity"
toward personal spiritual beliefs." The show had been making fun of Scientology, and Hayes is a Scientologist.
- Haldis Gundersen of Oslo turns on the water in his apartment and beer flows out. Meanwhile, in the Big Tower Bar downstairs, water comes out of the beer tap. Someone had accidentally hooked the beer hoses to the water pipes.
April
- Police raid a strip club in Federal Heights, Colo., charging two dancers with prostitution. The bouncer working the door says he didn't know what was going on inside, and he took the job for the health insurance. The bouncer is Dale Sparks, mayor of Federal Heights.
- Hardee's introduces the Philly Cheesesteak Thickburger, which contains 930 calories and 63 grams of fat. It falls short of the chain's Monster Thickburger, with 1,420 calories.
- Tiger Woods apologizes for using the word "spaz" in a press conference to describe his own poor putting.
May
- U.S. patent number 7037243: The cordless jump-rope, invented by Lester Clancy. It's just two handles, and you pretend the rope is there. This way, he says, you don't have to worry about tripping on the rope.
June
- A federal investigation finds that debit cards given to Hurricane Katrina survivors were used to purchase "Girls Gone Wild" videos, diamond jewelry and a $200 bottle of champagne at a Hooters in San Antonio. The report does not say if this was all one guy.
- The Salt Lake City Tribune reports that, according to Google, Utah leads the nation in Internet searches for Jesus, the second coming, quilting and baby names. Also No. 1 in Utah, according to the article: panties.
July
- Hey, Mel, let us call you a cab. No? You sure? OK, drive safe.
August
- John Mark Karr confesses to killing JonBenet Ramsey. Media yawns: "Yeah, what else ya got?"
September
- Spinach salad? No, thanks. I'm a health nut. I'll have the Philly Cheesesteak Thickburger instead.
- A Columbus, Ohio, Mitsubishi dealer unveils radio ads stating it is "launching a jihad on the automotive market." "Friday is fatwa Friday, with free rubber swords for the kiddies," the ads say.
- Clay Aiken named to the President's Committee for People With Intellectual Disabilities.
October
- Billionaire Steve Wynn accidentally sticks his elbow straight through a Picasso painting he owns titled "La Reve," valued at $139 million. He calls his wife and says, "You'll never believe what I just did."
- Leann and Rusty Real of Biloxi, Miss., name their son ESPN.
November
- A hardware store owner in Oberlin, Ohio, has let controversial local artists use his store window in the past but pulls the latest exhibit after complaints. The artist says he did not mean to offend anyone with his Nazi gingerbread men.
- Michael Richards supplies 50 Cent with the lyrics to his next hit hip-hop song.
- Rupert Murdoch's minions finally come up with a scheme so crass and exploitive that even Fox has to cancel it: O.J. Simpson's "If I Did It." John Mark Karr slaps forehead, wishes he'd thought of that.
December
- A homeowners association in Pagosa Springs, Colo., threatens a homeowner with $25-a-day fines until she takes down a Christmas wreath with a peace symbol. The association said some residents complained it was an anti-war statement, while others believe it is satanic. "
Thank you ladies and gentlemen, that has been today's broadcast. This is your host, rafiki the mandrill, urging you to be safe, healthy, and sane.